Forgiveness is a choice

I have a friend, Jan, whose parents beat her for even the mildest offense, leaving scars upon her heart as well as her back.  Her mother would call her stupid even though Jan made the school honor roll without fail and her father consistently told her that no one could ever love her.   

For years Jan’s life was controlled by the rage she felt toward her parents and the world – her rage against God.  She wore anger as a badge on her heart.  You never knew when she would erupt into a rage, and worse, you never know if you were going to be the target. 

Jan lost friend after friend until one day I asked her “How’s this working for you?’  She stopped and thought about that for weeks on end until she finally concluded that it wasn’t working at all.

 In the end she was punishing herself as effectively as her parents had abused her in the past.  Her life was not what she wanted it to be.  Instead it was controlled by the past..

So she set about the difficult task of leaving the pain behind by forgiving her parents as people who were living out of their own pain and self-loathing.  It was not until she found the ability to work through her bitterness and anger that she was freed to live her life.  Jan eventually became one of the most compassionate people I have ever known, becoming a therapist to help others with a similar background of abuse. 

She discovered what forgiveness is all about.  In the Bible in Greek,  forgiveness literally means to release, to hurl away, to free yourself.  That’s what Jan did. She hurled the pain and bitterness away from her.

What forgiveness does not mean is putting yourself back in harm’s way if the other person has not been changed by their own repentance or your act of forgiveness.  A battered wife can forgive her husband for the pain he caused both physically and emotionally but she should not go back to him to receive the same treatment time and time again. 

But how do we find our way to this new way of being?  How do we forgive?  What does forgiveness look like?

 First of all, forgiveness is more a conscious decision than an emotion. You can consciously decide to not let the past rule over you.  You can decide to reclaim your power, your self with God’s help.

 Doing this takes time, commitment, courage, and energy.  It is an unnatural act that you must work at to achieve.  But you do not need to work at it alone.  God will be there walking with you, strengthening you, enfolding you with the love you will need --- including love for yourself.